Facebook Talk

I love how Oliver starts his letter off with “Dear Sirs.” I feel that means he wanted more than me to read it and thus I’m sharing.

Name: oliver bernstein
Email: ollieb_99@hotmail.com
Message: Dear Sirs,

I am writing to request the removal of Mike Gorst’s video, “attack on bert, round 3″. i have contacted Mike Gorst with no luck and i feel that this video is bullying and has affected me since its publication on facebook. this video is not what facebook is about and is pure bullying.

I expect this to be carried out as as soon as possible, or this matter will have to be taken further. thanks

Goob: Go ahead and take it further. How much further can we go? 10 feet? A mile? To the MOON?!? I call dibs on the cheese.

Oliver: thanks for the help.

No problem, Oliver. I’ll see ya up there!

There’s dumb, there’s stupid, and then there’s Julia.

At least she recognizes my inheritance genius.

Name: Julia
Email: rattleruf@hotmail.com
Message: Hi there!

I’ve been unsuccessful in finding out how to block myself from seeing the profile page of one of my friends. I don’t want to add him to my blocked list, because I want him to still be able to see my page…I just want to block myself from seeing his. Any ideas on how I would accomplish this?

Goob: Hold on, you want to block YOURSELF from seeing HIS page? Wow. Okay. How about just not going to his page anymore? It’s called will power.

Jen: Wow. Okay. You’re a genius.

How are people like this still allowed on the Internet? Shouldn’t evolution have taken care of them by now?

Oh, who am I kidding, I couldn’t stay away from making fun of more people.

Name: jen
Email: jenblock@telus.net
Message: hi there,
i need to have an email restored that was in my inbox and sent folder. can you please tell me how this can be done.

sincerely,
jen block

Goob: Invent a time machine?

Jen: there’s no server it’s stored on for a short time?

Goob: There is. Only catch is it exists in the 1950s and wants to take your mom to the school dance. Make sure you wear Calvin Klein underwear when you go!

Jen: you are an asshole…shows who facebook puts their trust in…

Dear Facebook,

Hey there, old friend, it’s Goob. Remember me? I’m that guy who signed up with you way back when you were just a local Harvard experiment. I stood by you, through thick and thin, even deciding to open up a website in support of you when all those mean anti-news feed people were attacking you. Long story short, I think I’ve earned a little favor from your neck of the woods.

Well it time for me to curry that favor. Please, for the love of all that is Holy, fix your Gods damned auto-banning feature. Seriously, if I get one more e-mail asking why some highschool nerd had his account deleted when all he was doing was secretly poking the head cheerleader, I’m likely to go on a ten state killing spree. If another British person e-mails me asking why their account was deleted when they were posting on their friend’s wall, I swear I will spend the rest of my life trying to get the US and Britain in an all out nuclear war. It’ll be worth the collateral causalities just for the revenge factor alone. The least you could do is fix the site BEFORE you send your vice president of marketing and operations out to tout how awesome you are to potential investors.

You’re like the hot chick that I fell in love with before she discovered the glory of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. Come on, Facebook, you’re better than this. I know you’re stealing top programmers left and right from the likes of Google and Microsoft. Can you not spare one guy to sift through your code and figure out why so many people are being banned for no reason? Heck, better yet, just hire some bum for a fraction of the cost (where do I send my resume?) to do some basic freaking tech support and reinstate all the innocents who were banned!

I know you’ve got it in you, Facebook. Let’s see this happen.

Goob

Facebook made some news splash today by agreeing to over 40 tougher policies and safeguards for children using the site. Some of these new measures include “banning convicted sex offenders from the site, limiting older users’ ability to search online for subscribers under 18 and building a task force seeking ways to better verify users’ ages and identities.”

Hahahaha. Sorry, that task force line got to me. Like that’s actually going to happen and/or do anything worthwhile.

The deal was signed by Facebook and representatives from 49 states; the lone holdout being Texas. Apparently they’re not big fans of on-line protection of children. But they’ve got their guns, woooo haaaaa! *cue scene of crazy Texan from The Simpsons shooting two pistols in the air.*

I like Facebook’s approach here, but let’s be honest about something. What in the hell took so long? They rolled out the pointless applications feature a year ago and have already translated the site into Polish, but they’re just now getting around to setting making sure Mr. Convicted Catholic Priest isn’t trolling the site? Really? Whatever, I’m not a kid and my siblings aren’t foolish enough to go actually meet somebody they met on Facebook, so this doesn’t affect me much.

Wait, check that. I get plenty of daily e-mails (as you all know by now) from idiots, but I also get the occasional message from a concerned parent or teacher. They all want to make sure they’re children or students aren’t being harassed or seduced by the latest guy to have a sit-down with Chris Hanson. Before, I could do nothing more than send them an e-mail back saying I hoped their kids were safe too. But now, I can at least send them a link to this post. So thanks, Facebook!

By far my favorite Facebook Idiot to date!

Name: dan steel
Email: dsteel50@gmail.com
Message: our son notified us from college that someone posted a slanderous facebook using his name and does not know who did it and would like to get it removed. what does he need to do?

Goob: “What does he need to do? Stop being a pussy? The boys in college now! Tell him to stop whining, go chase some hot tail, and quite moaning to mommy and daddy all the time.”

Dan: “I think maybe you’ll be on the evening news tomorrow night and maybe get a call from my attorney. Are you not facebook management?”

a few minutes later, he sent this…

Dan: “Since your so stupid, I hope you have money also. My attorney’s will have a hey day with this. There whole business is eating guys like you for lunch. Your website will be shut down shortly for impersonating facebook help. As I go through your God forsaken site I’m obviously not the only one who fell for your lunacy.”

Goob: “Notice the part on my contact page that says if you need any Facebook help, then you need to contact Facebook? Yeah, that’s pretty cool, especially how it’s bolded to make it stand out against everything else on the page! The numberous posts I’ve made on the front page saying I don’t work for Facebook and the page wide footer bar saying FacebookTalk is in no way associated with Facebook are also quite unclear to people. If by “people” I meant “idiots.”

Also, you attorney’s what is going to have a hey day with this? What do they own that is going to enjoy my e-mails? Their sense of humor? Also, do you mean “their” whole business? You know, on second thought, I’m guessing your kid is as slow as you are. Which means he’s probably at community college, if that. In other words, there probably aren’t any hot girls nearby and I should go ahead and send him my old McDonald’s uniform!

See what I did there? I implied your son will be working at McDonald’s soon. I wasn’t sure if that was clear enough or not. Never can be too sure!

Dan: “My guess is calling yourself GOOB says it all”

Goob: “Oooooh, that was a pretty good zing. I like how you capitalized my nickname just to make it stand out, as if I might not understand the thinly veiled insult. I think you’re about ready to step up the the big-boy leagues and try out a few yo mamma jokes!”

I really wish Mr. Dan Steel would e-mail me back, but alas this Facebook Idiot finally learned not to feed the troll. Call me crazy, but his name sounds a little fake as well. Dan Steel? Really? I’ve seen better fake names on the back of adult videos.

It’s funny because they talk weird.