Facebook Talk

Oh, who am I kidding, I couldn’t stay away from making fun of more people.

Name: jen
Email: jenblock@telus.net
Message: hi there,
i need to have an email restored that was in my inbox and sent folder. can you please tell me how this can be done.

sincerely,
jen block

Goob: Invent a time machine?

Jen: there’s no server it’s stored on for a short time?

Goob: There is. Only catch is it exists in the 1950s and wants to take your mom to the school dance. Make sure you wear Calvin Klein underwear when you go!

Jen: you are an asshole…shows who facebook puts their trust in…

By far my favorite Facebook Idiot to date!

Name: dan steel
Email: dsteel50@gmail.com
Message: our son notified us from college that someone posted a slanderous facebook using his name and does not know who did it and would like to get it removed. what does he need to do?

Goob: “What does he need to do? Stop being a pussy? The boys in college now! Tell him to stop whining, go chase some hot tail, and quite moaning to mommy and daddy all the time.”

Dan: “I think maybe you’ll be on the evening news tomorrow night and maybe get a call from my attorney. Are you not facebook management?”

a few minutes later, he sent this…

Dan: “Since your so stupid, I hope you have money also. My attorney’s will have a hey day with this. There whole business is eating guys like you for lunch. Your website will be shut down shortly for impersonating facebook help. As I go through your God forsaken site I’m obviously not the only one who fell for your lunacy.”

Goob: “Notice the part on my contact page that says if you need any Facebook help, then you need to contact Facebook? Yeah, that’s pretty cool, especially how it’s bolded to make it stand out against everything else on the page! The numberous posts I’ve made on the front page saying I don’t work for Facebook and the page wide footer bar saying FacebookTalk is in no way associated with Facebook are also quite unclear to people. If by “people” I meant “idiots.”

Also, you attorney’s what is going to have a hey day with this? What do they own that is going to enjoy my e-mails? Their sense of humor? Also, do you mean “their” whole business? You know, on second thought, I’m guessing your kid is as slow as you are. Which means he’s probably at community college, if that. In other words, there probably aren’t any hot girls nearby and I should go ahead and send him my old McDonald’s uniform!

See what I did there? I implied your son will be working at McDonald’s soon. I wasn’t sure if that was clear enough or not. Never can be too sure!

Dan: “My guess is calling yourself GOOB says it all”

Goob: “Oooooh, that was a pretty good zing. I like how you capitalized my nickname just to make it stand out, as if I might not understand the thinly veiled insult. I think you’re about ready to step up the the big-boy leagues and try out a few yo mamma jokes!”

I really wish Mr. Dan Steel would e-mail me back, but alas this Facebook Idiot finally learned not to feed the troll. Call me crazy, but his name sounds a little fake as well. Dan Steel? Really? I’ve seen better fake names on the back of adult videos.

Laurie may be an official Facebook Idiot here on FBT, but she gets props for continuing the back and forth with me, thus prolonging the fun! Since she ended up making me laugh, I kindly removed her e-mail.

Laurie Came
email: [removed]
message: I can not get onto facebook. Its telling me that Javascript is not enabled, but it is. I have done the steps to check it, and I can’t get facebook to come up.

Goob: “You could always buy a new computer, that’s what I do whenever I get a weird error like that.”

Laurie: “Are you serious with that answer? I thought that site was professinal help with facebook issues. Is it not? Pretty irritated with that answer. I’m not the only one with this issue.”

Goob: “What wasn’t professional about my answer? I’m serious, a new computer would totally solve your problem. It doesn’t have to be a new Mac or expensive one, just an off the shelf computer from any bulk electronic store. Unless it didn’t come pre-installed with javascript. Then you’d be screwed AND out a few hundred dollars. Hmmm, it’s a tough call”

Laurie: “This is a facebook problem, not my computer problem. There are a lot of people with the very same issue. The problem doesn’t have anything to do with having Javascript. I’ve checked many times, and everything is enabled, and I’ve dumped the cookies, and temporary folders. Has this been reported to facebook? It needs to be.”

Goob: “Oh, don’t worry, my advice on buying a new computer isn’t limited to just you! Everybody else out there who is having the same problem is also free to buy a new computer as well. It should help them just as much as it helps you.

You know, if buying a new computer is out of the question for you, then perhaps you should try magic. I hear it’s pretty powerful and with the right incantations, you can make anything happen! So far I’ve only been able to cast an anti-rabid penguin spell, but I’m starting to think it’s success has to do with me not living near any wild penguins. I guess you could say I’m still pretty new to this.”

Laurie: “Goob, you’re an ass.”

Goob: “Hahaha, Laurie, that’s the best e-mail I’ve gotten in a while. Congrats on making me literally laugh out loud.

Now back to my magic! Pooof!”

How Stela didn’t get that she’d e-mailed the wrong website after reading my response, I’ll never know…

name: Stela Davidkova
email: sda88@msstate.edu
message: have a question related to an application that was available on facebook. You guys used to have an application where we can post furniture for sale, or make an add stating that we are selling something. Is it still available and if yes, where can I find it?

Goob: “I’ve actually got some furniture for sale as well if you’re interested. Some people say adults shouldn’t sleep in racecar beds, but to them I say VROOM VROOM VROOOOOM!!”

Stela: “So how do I put an add on facebook stating that i want to sell my furniture?”

Good to see Mississippi’s education system is top notch!

Here’s one of the first back and forth e-mails I had with a Facebook Idiot. The title to this post might say Facebook Idiot #3, but Jagir will always be #1 in my heart. Here’s everything that was exchanged!

name: Jagir Reehal
email: jagzreehal@hotmail.com
message: Hello my name is Jagir Reehal. my msn account and facebook account has been hacked into. I cannot get access to it. I cannot email you from my original msn account because I have not got access to it. Someone is signing onto my facebook account on a regular basis and I would like you to take me off facebook or change my password and send my temporary email adress the new one. The preffered outcome is the second. You may email me back for additional questions to confirm it is realy me, or ask for my home adress which you can write to and I will write back. This is a big problem as it is causing stress to my relationship with my girlfriend who is for obvious reasons also upset about this. Please act asap. Thanks

Goob: “Pick better passwords.”

Jagir: Is that the advice you’re seriously giving me because it sounds as if you’re mocking me.

Goob: “Your keen sense of detecting sarcasm should be taught to schoolchildren world wide.”

Jagir: LOOK, I AM NOT SEEKING COMMENTS. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT CAN DONE ABOUT THIS, DO YOUR JOB…THE THING YOU GET PAID GOOD MONEY FOR AND HELP ME OUT.

Goob: “I don’t get paid that much money, unfortunately. Congratulations on
discovering the caps lock key though!”

Jagir: LOL UR FUNNY LOVE YOU TOO…and dont come back with a comment about homosexuality because you’re talking to a girl. Dont email back at all, just wanted to tel u ur a wank stain, hope u go to hell

Goob: “Thank you for reminding me how awesome it is to be me.”

I’m not quite sure where the homosexuality comment came from seeing as how I didn’t once call into question her sexual preference. Perhaps a certain somebody is a little insecure?! Maybe we’ll be able to explore this further if she ever e-mails me back!

I got this e-mail today - let’s read it together first and then go over the stupidity of it afterwards.

name: ***********
email: TGAGRO@sbgh.mb.ca
message: Hi,

I have a profile on Facebook. Since April 11, I have been unable to login. It prompts me with a message that my email/password is invalid. My fb email address is *****************. Could you check to see if my profile was tampered with or deleted? Please reactivate.

Thanks in advance,
Tanya

I didn’t edit that one bit. She honestly put her name as 11 asterisks but then signed “Tanya” at the bottom. I’m thinking Tanya would have made a great spy, she’s so slick and sly. (woo alliteration!)

But the 17 asterisks as her e-mail really had me rolling. Does she think Facebook has some all-knowing computer that can translate moronic-speak into something us rational people can read? The e-mail she included with the letter DOES have 17 characters in it, so who knows, maybe that Tanya part was intentional. Maybe she was trying to trick Facebook’s computer and keep it on it’s toes. Either way, I don’t care and I draw a small bit of happiness in knowing that Tanya is no longer on Facebook.

I now present the first of many e-mails from idiotic people who use Facebook.com, a site which I might point out again I do not work for and that doesn’t have any affiliation with this site.

From: Corey - wilday_109@hotmail.com
Date: Fri, April 11, 2008 4:10 pm

What in the hell is wrong with ur site? you have some stuff working and some stuff not. you got a couple things that work right away, then you have a few things that you have to spend 500 hours clicking on, then some things won’t work for some time. GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER! if stuff isn’t working, then close the site for fucking maintenance or something, don’t just have the “well, we’ll leave what is working up, and hope people will stay happy with that” ITS FUCKING STUPID. GET UR SHIT TOGETHER YOU FUCKING TWAT HEADS

Well that was a fun read. I responded in equal fashion and a few hours later, he replied to say “i thtough this was a facebook contact.”

What I want to know is how that second T five spaces to the left. One or two I can understand. But five? Mad props on the typing and/or spelling skills there, Corey.

I used to hate getting e-mails like this one. Now I not only find them amusing, I look forward to reading them every day.