Facebook Talk

Facebook made some news splash today by agreeing to over 40 tougher policies and safeguards for children using the site. Some of these new measures include “banning convicted sex offenders from the site, limiting older users’ ability to search online for subscribers under 18 and building a task force seeking ways to better verify users’ ages and identities.”

Hahahaha. Sorry, that task force line got to me. Like that’s actually going to happen and/or do anything worthwhile.

The deal was signed by Facebook and representatives from 49 states; the lone holdout being Texas. Apparently they’re not big fans of on-line protection of children. But they’ve got their guns, woooo haaaaa! *cue scene of crazy Texan from The Simpsons shooting two pistols in the air.*

I like Facebook’s approach here, but let’s be honest about something. What in the hell took so long? They rolled out the pointless applications feature a year ago and have already translated the site into Polish, but they’re just now getting around to setting making sure Mr. Convicted Catholic Priest isn’t trolling the site? Really? Whatever, I’m not a kid and my siblings aren’t foolish enough to go actually meet somebody they met on Facebook, so this doesn’t affect me much.

Wait, check that. I get plenty of daily e-mails (as you all know by now) from idiots, but I also get the occasional message from a concerned parent or teacher. They all want to make sure they’re children or students aren’t being harassed or seduced by the latest guy to have a sit-down with Chris Hanson. Before, I could do nothing more than send them an e-mail back saying I hoped their kids were safe too. But now, I can at least send them a link to this post. So thanks, Facebook!

By far my favorite Facebook Idiot to date!

Name: dan steel
Email: dsteel50@gmail.com
Message: our son notified us from college that someone posted a slanderous facebook using his name and does not know who did it and would like to get it removed. what does he need to do?

Goob: “What does he need to do? Stop being a pussy? The boys in college now! Tell him to stop whining, go chase some hot tail, and quite moaning to mommy and daddy all the time.”

Dan: “I think maybe you’ll be on the evening news tomorrow night and maybe get a call from my attorney. Are you not facebook management?”

a few minutes later, he sent this…

Dan: “Since your so stupid, I hope you have money also. My attorney’s will have a hey day with this. There whole business is eating guys like you for lunch. Your website will be shut down shortly for impersonating facebook help. As I go through your God forsaken site I’m obviously not the only one who fell for your lunacy.”

Goob: “Notice the part on my contact page that says if you need any Facebook help, then you need to contact Facebook? Yeah, that’s pretty cool, especially how it’s bolded to make it stand out against everything else on the page! The numberous posts I’ve made on the front page saying I don’t work for Facebook and the page wide footer bar saying FacebookTalk is in no way associated with Facebook are also quite unclear to people. If by “people” I meant “idiots.”

Also, you attorney’s what is going to have a hey day with this? What do they own that is going to enjoy my e-mails? Their sense of humor? Also, do you mean “their” whole business? You know, on second thought, I’m guessing your kid is as slow as you are. Which means he’s probably at community college, if that. In other words, there probably aren’t any hot girls nearby and I should go ahead and send him my old McDonald’s uniform!

See what I did there? I implied your son will be working at McDonald’s soon. I wasn’t sure if that was clear enough or not. Never can be too sure!

Dan: “My guess is calling yourself GOOB says it all”

Goob: “Oooooh, that was a pretty good zing. I like how you capitalized my nickname just to make it stand out, as if I might not understand the thinly veiled insult. I think you’re about ready to step up the the big-boy leagues and try out a few yo mamma jokes!”

I really wish Mr. Dan Steel would e-mail me back, but alas this Facebook Idiot finally learned not to feed the troll. Call me crazy, but his name sounds a little fake as well. Dan Steel? Really? I’ve seen better fake names on the back of adult videos.

It’s funny because they talk weird.

I’ve got two or three brilliant Facebook Idiots ready to post, but I figured I should take a minute to talk about Facebook’s new chat feature. Initial impressions? Kinda useful, if not a few years too late and a bit pointless…

I don’t like how it hovers down in the corner of my screen. It’s like one of those annoying widgets that computer makers think people enjoy having around. News flash, we find them fucking annoying. It needs to be moved and it needs to be moved now or people are going to hate it within days.

As for the actual features it provides, I will concede that the instant notifications for messages, wall posts, etc. are pretty handy. I’m not a fan of refreshing sites to see if something is new or updated and thankfully, that’s a thing of the past with Facebook now. Unfortunately, that little notifications feature was supposed to be an add-on to an even bigger feature - the chat!

Seriously, did Facebook think people were going to fall head over heals in love with ANOTHER Instant Messenger program? When Google has trouble getting theirs off the ground (who even uses GTalk now?), then that should tell you the market is severely over-saturated.

At the same time, I guess Facebook is as good a place as any to start a new chat program. All of your friends are theoretically already on it all day, though from looking at my list of available friends I’m doubting that assumption. Call me crazy, but I think the days of people simply turning on their messaging program of choice 24/7 just in case somebody wants to talk to them is over. It’s called cell phones, everybody has one and it’s a hell of a lot quicker and convenient!

Whatever, in the end, it’s just another bell and whistle that improves the site a little over what they had before but really isn’t groundbreaking or earth shattering.

But move it out of the corner and find a new place to put it!

Facebook, chat

Laurie may be an official Facebook Idiot here on FBT, but she gets props for continuing the back and forth with me, thus prolonging the fun! Since she ended up making me laugh, I kindly removed her e-mail.

Laurie Came
email: [removed]
message: I can not get onto facebook. Its telling me that Javascript is not enabled, but it is. I have done the steps to check it, and I can’t get facebook to come up.

Goob: “You could always buy a new computer, that’s what I do whenever I get a weird error like that.”

Laurie: “Are you serious with that answer? I thought that site was professinal help with facebook issues. Is it not? Pretty irritated with that answer. I’m not the only one with this issue.”

Goob: “What wasn’t professional about my answer? I’m serious, a new computer would totally solve your problem. It doesn’t have to be a new Mac or expensive one, just an off the shelf computer from any bulk electronic store. Unless it didn’t come pre-installed with javascript. Then you’d be screwed AND out a few hundred dollars. Hmmm, it’s a tough call”

Laurie: “This is a facebook problem, not my computer problem. There are a lot of people with the very same issue. The problem doesn’t have anything to do with having Javascript. I’ve checked many times, and everything is enabled, and I’ve dumped the cookies, and temporary folders. Has this been reported to facebook? It needs to be.”

Goob: “Oh, don’t worry, my advice on buying a new computer isn’t limited to just you! Everybody else out there who is having the same problem is also free to buy a new computer as well. It should help them just as much as it helps you.

You know, if buying a new computer is out of the question for you, then perhaps you should try magic. I hear it’s pretty powerful and with the right incantations, you can make anything happen! So far I’ve only been able to cast an anti-rabid penguin spell, but I’m starting to think it’s success has to do with me not living near any wild penguins. I guess you could say I’m still pretty new to this.”

Laurie: “Goob, you’re an ass.”

Goob: “Hahaha, Laurie, that’s the best e-mail I’ve gotten in a while. Congrats on making me literally laugh out loud.

Now back to my magic! Pooof!”

How Stela didn’t get that she’d e-mailed the wrong website after reading my response, I’ll never know…

name: Stela Davidkova
email: sda88@msstate.edu
message: have a question related to an application that was available on facebook. You guys used to have an application where we can post furniture for sale, or make an add stating that we are selling something. Is it still available and if yes, where can I find it?

Goob: “I’ve actually got some furniture for sale as well if you’re interested. Some people say adults shouldn’t sleep in racecar beds, but to them I say VROOM VROOM VROOOOOM!!”

Stela: “So how do I put an add on facebook stating that i want to sell my furniture?”

Good to see Mississippi’s education system is top notch!

Here’s one of the first back and forth e-mails I had with a Facebook Idiot. The title to this post might say Facebook Idiot #3, but Jagir will always be #1 in my heart. Here’s everything that was exchanged!

name: Jagir Reehal
email: jagzreehal@hotmail.com
message: Hello my name is Jagir Reehal. my msn account and facebook account has been hacked into. I cannot get access to it. I cannot email you from my original msn account because I have not got access to it. Someone is signing onto my facebook account on a regular basis and I would like you to take me off facebook or change my password and send my temporary email adress the new one. The preffered outcome is the second. You may email me back for additional questions to confirm it is realy me, or ask for my home adress which you can write to and I will write back. This is a big problem as it is causing stress to my relationship with my girlfriend who is for obvious reasons also upset about this. Please act asap. Thanks

Goob: “Pick better passwords.”

Jagir: Is that the advice you’re seriously giving me because it sounds as if you’re mocking me.

Goob: “Your keen sense of detecting sarcasm should be taught to schoolchildren world wide.”

Jagir: LOOK, I AM NOT SEEKING COMMENTS. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT CAN DONE ABOUT THIS, DO YOUR JOB…THE THING YOU GET PAID GOOD MONEY FOR AND HELP ME OUT.

Goob: “I don’t get paid that much money, unfortunately. Congratulations on
discovering the caps lock key though!”

Jagir: LOL UR FUNNY LOVE YOU TOO…and dont come back with a comment about homosexuality because you’re talking to a girl. Dont email back at all, just wanted to tel u ur a wank stain, hope u go to hell

Goob: “Thank you for reminding me how awesome it is to be me.”

I’m not quite sure where the homosexuality comment came from seeing as how I didn’t once call into question her sexual preference. Perhaps a certain somebody is a little insecure?! Maybe we’ll be able to explore this further if she ever e-mails me back!